Healthy Inspiration

I promised you guys this post on the challenges of a long distance relationship, so here it is! I don’t share many details of my relationship for privacy reasons. But I still get so many questions about managing the distance, especially during medical school.  I think we do a pretty darn good job, but of course there are lots of challenges and some tough times. So today I thought I’d just chat a little about about how we make it work, what can make things hard, and how we get through it together.

For a little background, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. (Here’s the story of how we met.) I am in St. Louis finishing up medical school and he recently moved from the NYC area to San Francisco for a job change.

What we do well:

1 – Communication. This is one of my favorite things about my boyfriend and most essential things to our relationship. We are great about texting, answering even if it’s a, “Hey, I can’t chat, but is everything okay!?” and keeping each other aware of how our days are going. He makes time to check in with me each night before bed, no matter how busy his day is. Sometime’s its 30 seconds, but it makes all the difference. I had dated guys that were no where near as proactive about communication prior to this relationship. I’m so appreciative!

2 – Visiting often. Luckily he used to travel every single week for work, so flying out to see me is no big deal. He also racked up a lot of airline points, which helps too!! I’ve been able to squeeze in quit trips on my weekends off of work. Usually about once a month we sit down and look over our calendars and ensure we have visits or trips planned about every 3-5 weeks. It can me tough to figure out, and obviously costs money, but we are both committed making it happen.

3 –  We are on the same page about the future. We had some important conversations pretty early on. We knew we would be long distance so we didn’t want to get too far in if we weren’t looking for the same things. His new job and my medical career make things a little complicated, but we’ve talked it all through and are totally on board with making it work. We support each others careers and goals, which helps so much with the guilt and anxiety I can feel toward the whole Match process.

What we want to work on: 

1 – Staying healthy when we visit each other. We tend to treat our monthly visits like little vacations, which is a total blast, but ends up leaving us feeling a little yucky. Going out for indulgent meals, skipping workouts, enjoying cocktails and staying up late really just isn’t what we need every single time. Our age is catching up with us, ha! We have both talked about wanting to have a better mix of fun and healthy; exploring new places but still somewhat sticking to our normal routines. It’d be nice if the happiness from our visits didn’t get obscured by hangovers and stress.

2 – Carving out more time for each other (and for ourselves!) We both work a lot and always have a ton going on. It’s nice that we share that, instead of one of us having lots of free time while the other is swamped. However, we both recognize that we need to be more intentional about taking time off. When we are apart, that looks like ensuring we have more than just 2 minutes to say goodnight most of the time. (Sometimes it happens, and some months are busier than others!) And we’ve just briefly talked about some things we could do long-term to make sure we connect each day. Perhaps committing a quick dinner together each night, even when we have a lot going on?

Challenges of a Long Distance Relationship

1 – It can be hard to feel truly connected when we are apart. Again, our schedules are different and our lives are very full. Now that he’s on the west coast, I’m going to bed when he’s just finishing up work! Good communication helps, but there are weeks when I feel like we haven’t really gotten to check in and catch up. We are usually both aware and open when we’re feeling like this, though, so we just make sure to plan a good FaceTime date or something!

2 – Wanting to do every day things together. Some days I just want to have normal life with him, ya know? Grocery shop and have regular boring dinners and establish routines together. Especially now that I’m thirty, I’m definitely getting the, “Settle down and start our lives together” bug. But soon enough. Everyone’s timing is different!

3 – Stressing about the unknowns. This is probably more me, and to be honest it really hasn’t been too bad. It feels weird enough to not know where I’ll be living and working a year from now, and then adding a relationship to that just amplifies the worry. Not knowing if we’ll be able to be in the same place, even, is hard! But he calms my fears every time I start to get a little anxious, and it’s amazing to know that we’re a team that will make it all work.

We’re definitely not perfect, but I feel really good about what we have and how well we work together. It’s taken many years to find something that feels right, and I’m so, so grateful for him. <3 If you’re also doing the distance thing, leave me your best tips!